Subject: Witchhunt!
From: rsw@therandymon.com (RS Wood)
Newsgroups: dictator.america
Organization: blocknews - www.blocknews.net
Date: Jun 03 2018 02:45:49

From the New York Times.  This piece is sheer brilliance.

   OBJECT OF THE GAME: Despite overwhelming evidence of obstruction of
   justice and collusion with a foreign power (or three!), you must
   prove that the charges the Special Counsel brings against you are
   just a politically motivated WITCH HUNT! Fun for the whole crime

   PLAYERS: You, the primary player; your main opponent, the dishonest
   Special Counsel; your secondary opponents, the Fake News Media and
   the nefarious Deep State; your teammates, who profess ignorance by
   looking away from the board; and 325 million spectators, a majority
   of whom are rooting against you.

   PLAYING TIME: It should wrap up by whenever the next major holiday
   is. For a speed round, play while consuming a gallon of Diet Coke.

   GAME PIECES: In addition to tokens for all the players, you have: a
   phone with the numbers of your three remaining “friends” who can
   still tolerate your ranting for 45 uninterrupted minutes about the
   WITCH HUNT!; a battery of lawyers “straight out of Central Casting”
   (for playing ridiculous, over-the-hill bumblers); one substitute
   token labeled “David Dennison.”

   PREPARATION: Months before gameplay starts, place foreign government
   cutout tokens facedown on the board in secret locations, hiding under
   each one a Quid Pro Quo card. When the Fake News Media overturns the
   cutouts, you must repeatedly set down more-acceptable-sounding Quid
   Pro Quo cards. The game officially begins after you use the Quid Pro
   Quo card that says “Nothingburger,” an untranslatable German word
   meaning “feigned indignation over completely damning evidence.”

   SPECIAL COUNSEL: The pesky Special Counsel follows your token around
   the oval board in an attempt to prove obstruction of justice and
   collusion, but in doing so also stumbles upon a few hundred other
   crimes, including a nonfiction book proposal from you titled “If I
   Laundered Money Internationally for Years and That, Along With a
   Deeply Warped and Power-Hungry Psyche Forged by a Horrible Father — I
   Mean, Really Bad, Just, Like, the Worst, Aside From Me — Made Me Run
   for President.”

   Image CreditAndrew Kolb

   GAMEPLAY: Place your token on your bedroom square, just in front of
   the TV symbol. You won’t move it much from this spot aside from a
   five-minute briefing session at which your teammates tell you
   everything’s going great to prevent you from coming up with “ideas
   for deals” and “a Mars force.” During the game, you’ll choose from
   the following actions:

   DRAW A CARD FROM THE TWEETDECK: Pull a random Unfounded Exclamatory
   Accusation! card from the TweetDeck. Bonus points for Arbitrary
   Capitalizations, superfluous “quotation marks” and spelling erors
   that everyone has stopped mocking because it’s now more sad than
   funny; penalty for drawing the Self-Incriminating Statement card,
   which forces your lawyers to devise absurd excuses for it when they
   land on morning talk show squares. To prove you’re not merely an
   unhinged tyrant but also a family man, spend some quality time @ your
   wife’s government-designated Twitter handle.

   “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” BOARD MASSACRE: After you reach the “S.N.L.”
   square, threaten to flip over the board and scatter all the pieces,
   but don’t actually do it, because your incredibly tolerant teammates
   may finally decide you’re too childish to play with again and also
   you’re sort of afraid of confrontation.

   ROLL THE DICE ON NUCLEAR WAR: If you roll a seven or higher, mock the
   physical appearance of an enemy nuclear power’s unstable leader; six
   or lower, coyly say, “We’ll see what happens,” as if you actually
   understand geopolitical statecraft. If you succeed in goading the
   enemy into launching a nuclear attack on the board, the WITCH HUNT!
   will be immediately over!

   Image CreditAndrew Kolb

   COMMUNITY RALLY CHEST: Pick a card from the Community Rally Chest
   with the name of a red state, place your token on it during a public
   entertainment event tailored to liberals, and spend an hour invoking
   the hallowed number 306, making racist statements that aren’t even
   thinly veiled, and stalking a few feet from the lectern after each
   screamed punch line to say to your teammates, “Wasn’t that great?”

   WHEEL OF PARDON: To distract the spectators and signal to your
   teammates that they can break the rules of the game so long as they
   evince sufficient fealty, spin the Wheel of Pardon, which will always
   end up pointing to the worst person in the room.

   Image CreditAndrew Kolb

   BUILD A HOTEL: For every hotel that you build on an undeveloped
   foreign square, give the owner of that square one Back-Room Political
   Favor chip. The hotel piece thus attains Accepted Collusion in Plain
   Sight status, making it ineligible for the Special Counsel’s WITCH

   DECLARE BANKRUPTCY: You can’t declare bankruptcy, since the game
   started precisely because you already were bankrupt (financially and

   CreditAndrew Kolb

   ENDGAME: There are two possible conclusions: 1) You do not convince
   anyone that this is a WITCH HUNT! and your teammates send your token
   directly to jail; or 2) You do not convince anyone that this is a
   WITCH HUNT!, but your teammates, making a cynically calculated
   political bet, do not send your token directly to jail. In that case,
   congratulations, you have won WITCH HUNT!, defeating not only the
   Special Counsel, but the 325 million spectators, whom you thought of
   as losers all along!

   Teddy Wayne (teddywayne.com) is the author, most recently, of “Loner.”

Date Subject  Author
03.06. * Witchhunt!RS Wood
03.06. `- Re: Witchhunt!JAB

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